For many this date is a date of the season they call ”Halloween”. For me as a young child I did the trick or treat thing, however over the last two years I’ve spent a very different way of participating in what we call at my Church ”The Light Party”. It’s basically as Christians together with our youth and children we celebrate the life of Jesus and all the wonderful things he brings to our life. Then on a personal note this date from 1998 to 2010 was quite honestly the worst day of my life, as most who know me know that it’s the day as a 14-year-old I lost my precious grandfather to cancer, and very much like Halloween now it’s all change because Christ last year really did a miracle and took my pain away and gave me peace of losing him. Now on this day I miss him I always will but I instead of blaming God I thank him for giving me 14 years with a man who had a big impact in my life and it’s because of that painful time that I came to know Jesus. I sometimes think would I have grown so much in Christ if I hadn’t lost him so young maybe I wouldn’t because my view of God got so bad and then he just did a 180 on me and I fell head over heels in love with him. I’ve recently been thinking of how I share with people why Jesus is so real and the truth is because he is a reality in my life he isn’t a God far away or a God who only spoke to people in the Bible, he is a God who is involved in my everyday life, who picks me up when I fall, who speaks to my heart and most importantly who loves me with no agenda and is based on who he is and not what I do. I will say that when you truly experience Christ you cant help but love him because he first loved us. I was very much like the man in the bible next to the pool who had been there for 38 years not moved because he said every time he went to get in the pool of healing someone got there first and Jesus was direct and bold telling him to get up and clean up his bed. I was inside still grieving then Jesus shown me I need to deal with my pain and move forward which he gave me the strength to do, there’s a song that I love that comes to mind ”cry out to Jesus” by Third day. If you’re hurting from your past simply cry to Jesus and he will hold you and take all the pain, Jesus is so loving that no words can describe him.
Well on Tuesday 23rd August 2011 will be 2 years since I gave my life and chose to follow Jesus. I still remember that moment sat in my Pastor Hany’s lounge saying a simple prayer but a step that took me 25 years to make and people always ask how can you even remember the date? My simple answer is always because it was the greatest day and moment of my life. I still remember opening my eyes and within my heart experiencing like a fire burst into my heart and this incredible peace and warmth which later I realised was Jesus coming within my heart.
That old saying of when you meet someone and you feel you have known them all your life rings true because I’ve know Jesus personally for 2 years and it feels like 20 years because in 2 short years he has done so much in my life and I’ve loved getting to know him and that I know will continue until he returns. It’s a joy to know God is your best friend and I remember when I begun to realise Jesus speaks to his people that was so wonderful that the creator of the whole world will use a bible verse or person or sign or his voice within to speak to little Clare from Manchester but thats how amazing he is.
I mean looking back I think if the next 2 yrs will be anything like these 2 wow it will be mindblowing I want more from Jesus all the time, many people comment I’ve changed or I’m privileged. Both are true but God wants all of us to know him nothing I did made God chose me he did it because he loves me.
I think many times people talk about the cost of following Jesus and yes there is but he is so worth all of it because he suffered so much for us. I have been asked before why become a Christian? My answer is never a big powerful spiritual one it’s pretty simple …… I fell in love with Jesus! I think most people know the moment they decide to follow him and it’s when he touches your heart.
He used a song in The Salvation Army for me, I saw the character of Christ and heard him speak very much like the amazing Apostle Paul who once wanted Christians killed and then was dying for Christ by his love.
Sometimes you will do something that Jesus is leading you to and everyone maybe is like why are you doing that just do what you want but for me it’s not possible because when I chose to follow Jesus I ment it and I’m a very passionate and commited person so I knew once I asked Jesus into my life I was going to follow wherever he wanted to take me because of that commitment it’s very much love and trust because he knows the best thing I don’t and also his desires become yours so you want what God wants.
I have no clue what will happen in the next 2 years but all I can say is bring it on Lord use me to change anything you wanna change I’m yours and I love you. And all I can say is when I became a Christian it wasn’t expected, every person I know was shocked because I was so against God thats how I know he can change anyone because Ive seen what he has done in my own life. I just want to give a special thanks to 3 people who have been tools in the toolbox of Jesus : Vicki who planted the thoughts time and time again, Hany who nurtured and grew what Vicki planted and Susan who gave the personal growth Hany began and has been my prayer partner and the one who always helps me in struggling times. Each one played a massive part these last 2 years and Vicki before that and I know they will all still be there in the next 2. Lets see what Jesus does in the next 2 watch this Godspace 🙂
As some of you may know my Blog was dreams and visions and was my personal desires, my blog has now changed. As it’s now called ”Sharing the Good News” basically the gospel of Jesus, so it will be me sharing the wonderful things Jesus brings to our lives most importantly salvation and it will be me sharing the amazing things Jesus has and continues to do in my own life and how he wants to give all of us himself. As some of you guys may already know I’m a very passionate Evangelist ( meaning I enjoy sharing the good news of Jesus) I have a very big heart to see people come to know Jesus and follow him and have everything Jesus died to give us. I hope you enjoy my future blog and it encourages you if you know Jesus of what he is doing and gives you the desire to want to know Jesus if you don’t already.
Something that I was watching tonight really touched my heart and just revealed what Gods grace actually is. I was listening to a testimony of a man who lost his daughter and to make things worse had to deal with discovering years later his wife had been sexually abused and had a six year affair with his Pastor and friend who was controlling his wife using emotional manipulation. Don’t think anyone can imagine how that poor guy felt but something he said which gave him the ability to forgive and really describes what the grace of Christ is he said:
”” Christ loves us without conditions, he doesnt ask you where you were, he doesnt ask you why, he’s just there when you come back not once, everytime”.
That is just amazing because when I’ve been hurt Im sure its the same for most we question, we ask why and we want details we blame. But on a personal note when I came to Jesus after years of blaming him for my grief being angry at him, ignoring him, judging Christians and eventually screaming at him and using foul language about him. After all that when I really saw Jesus and experienced his love and realised I was wrong when I came to him pretty broken he didn’t question, judge, blame or anything. He did one thing he opened his arms out and welcomed me home and poured his fatherly love within me. Grace is amazing because it was God giving me what I don’t deserve.
Something his wife said struck me because through his amazing forgiveness she really saw Jesus for the first time because her husband was Christ in the flesh to her because he did what God led him to and not what he wanted to do. And boy I totally got that because as a Christian I want people to see Jesus in me. Its so powerful when you see Christ in someone because its God walking in someone.
My former housemate and very good friend was Christ to me because of the love and gentleness I recieved from her. For me God is simple he isn’t complicated he is love and all he wants is to let him love us and we love him. So wonderful.
Your love doesn’t stop or fail.
I remember your promises.
My hope is in you.
I know your by my side always.
You know me through and through.
I’m in awe of how you father me.
I’m holding onto that you make
everything work out for good.
Even when I let you down and go my way and fall
your always there to catch me and pick me up.
You wonderfully use everything to help me
grow and mature.
I’m sorry when I run.
You always wait for me.
Your so faithful.
Your grace is my gift.
Pretence doesn’t wash with you.
I know my heart is safe with you.
Even in losing people you remain!
Grief leaves a sense of unrest.
A space that seems unfilled.
I may not hear or feel you sometimes but
I know your there watching over me.
The feeling of your presence is
your arms holding me.
Don’t ever let me go.
Your hand guides me but I have
to make the choice.
When I’m weak you make me strong.
I obey because I love you.
I’ve never known a love like yours.
All I want is to be just like you.
I know you won’t give up.
I love you with all I am.
Your interested in hearts.
You change the inner life.
You change those that are yours.
As I under go the change there’s pain
but knowing it’s all worth it.
Your moulding me like clay.
Your ways are ever gentle.
I’m amazed at all you’ve done.
I’ve a long way to go
but thanks to you
I’m not where I was.
I was broken and you lifted me from the pit.
Your loving fingerprints are all over me.
You have only just begun.
You used tools to draw me to you.
Those tools are your people.
You shown who you are through people.
You made me part of your family.
I surrender my life to you.
I trust you.
I follow you out of love.
Do what you gotta do to change me but one thing
while your doing it hold my hand and never let go.
Its took me a bit of time as to finding words to share of the events of the last week. Last Sunday evening news reached my fellow Actor friends and myself that our lovey friend and Director had died! It was an utter shock as he wasnt ill and it was totally out of the blue, we then realised that not only had we lost our friend but he chose to take his life, from then till the day of the funeral it was just disbelief for all of us we were expecting this is a joke Jamiu is playing but unfortunetely not.
Then on that cold and bitter Saturday it was a long day but a wonderful Goodbye for him. My heart was so with his older sister Ade and his best friend Giulia, who’s heart was breaking. It was a day of as a company From the soul productions that Jamiu created that we support one another through this tragic hard time and that we did we stuck close to each other picked one another up when tears came and laughed at the wonders of Jamiu.
Jamiu was such a positive guy very full of life and so enjoyed every part of life and really went after his dreams we spoke on our 2 favourite things acting and football, he was so outgoing and courageous and so encouraging and boy did this man have guts, I guess which is why its so sad what happened because he really was a man who lived life to the full. I know he would of been so proud of his big sister she was a tower of strength and did the family proud.
It was after the funeral when I got home that it started to sink in and cant stop seeing him his face as I never seen someone after they died so that I think gave me this reality of he really has gone we have lost him. I only knew him for around a year or two and it was a kind of work but we socialised as actors together too so I did get to know him and just enjoyed his company. He always had so much respect for me as a Christian when I couldnt work Sundays and certain roles I couldnt do even though he wasnt a believer I would talk about Christ with him and he had so much respect for my faith.
I think for me Im really struggling because I cant actually grieve I feel sad for him and what he went through, heartbroken he has gone but also angry and dont understand why especially when his death has affected many of us especially his family. My prayers are very empty because theres just no emotion behind it because I feel empty. Grief is for me something I have experienced to be one of the hardest things a person can go through that sense of loss and desperate for closure and peace.
All I can do is pray God gives me the peace of this was Gods will and his time to take Jamiu and try not to focus on the tragic event. I feel as a Christian I know all the things that God wants for us to have hope, victory and show complete forgiveness but sometimes when your hurting its hard to naturally do those things thats when I turned to my family in Christ to help me by praying for me so I can get peace over this loss to my friends and myself and be at peace with all of it.
One thing I would like to say from the bottom of my heart to all my family and friends is I love you all so much and what has happened to Jamiu has really hit me and how much I really want to see everyone I love know the Lord and cherrish life. Please cherrish your lives, look for the good in your life and if ever life gets tough reach out never suffer in silence. Jamiu left a very big impression on me and I feel honoured I knew him and I really just pray that Jesus gives us all the peace and strength to accept whats happened, not ask the questions but trust him. I urge anyone to pursue who Christ is because it is such a wonderful relationship to know Jesus he gives us all we need.
God bless you all I cherrish all of you in my heart xx
I feel a little reflective and want to celebrate all the changes God has and is still doing. I think this has come to mind because recently certain people who I love and respect have said some really encouraging things and Im seeing so many amazing opportunities Jesus is giving me. The lovely things I have heard have been from the people who have led me to Christ, disciple me and who I go to for advise. They are very different one is my good friend who led me to the Lord who is my age and is very humble and gentle, one is many years older and walked with God a long time and its very much a maternal relationship we have and last would be my Pastor who disciples me, guides me and helped me through many struggles that every Christian faces when God is taking them from the world to walk the Godly way. These people have stated its a joy to see me grow in him, that they believe God is preparing me for something and something that shown me my growth that my Pastor said I dont feel we have to meet so much as he stated he knows I can go a few weeks without discipleship because Im gaining strength in Christ Im not that baby Christian anymore. I look back at who I was coming to Wandsworth and who I am now and its astounding what God has done. I still make mistakes and fall but Jesus is always ready to catch me and pick me back up. Then theres opportunities and how God is using me Im on two outreach teams sharing Jesus with people, Im in a very Islamic workplace and Im being used there, Im speaking of Christ in my family, I help with youth and Sunday School leadership. Im approaching officially becoming a member of my Church and really exciting is Im now leading drama ministry at both The Salvation Army and East Hill Baptist Church alongside two very gifted leaders in Hany and Alan. To be able to use the talent God has give me for him is such an honour. And I love that Im leading at not only my Church but Sally Army which is a place very personal to me as these guys prayed for me for so long when I was so far from God and really shown me love and to go back there leading in part of there service is a blessing from above. So many wonderful things to look forward to. Where I am right now theres things happening which I really dont quite understand but I know God is doing more work in me and that excites me even in trials I know its always him moulding more character in me and boy I cant wait for where the Lord will take me next, not sure where Im going but I know the one who does. Amen. 🙂